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From all to nothing

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I hesitate, try to think. My fingers slip down along your side. Take hold of your waist with both hands, one under, one over the t-shirt. You've kissed me. I've kissed you. I've tasted you, touched you.

And now I let go of you, let my hands fall to my sides, take a step back, break contact. You don't resist, let me go.

I go. Turn my back to you. Try to swallow away the lump in my throat. Sob. Feel the tears start flowing. Close my eyes.

I've lost you. I've won you. I'll never forgive myself for walking away, but I would never have been able to forgive myself for staying.

Eyes closed, filled with tears, I stand with my back to you and try to hold the sobs in. Swallow, without moving the lump in my throat.

I hear you move behind me, the silent rustle of fabric against skin. I close my hands, make hard fists. I touched your skin, just a moment ago, and you were warm against my fingers. I could have had everything. I could have lost everything. You offered yourself to me and I refused, to keep you. And I'll never know if I could have kept what I have and had everything else, too. I didn't dare risk everything for the sake of everything.

My shoulders are tense, the muscles in my arms hard as steel. I tremble, cry silently. I feel you walk past me, around me, stand in front of me. My tear-filled eyes are closed. I don't see you. But with every shaking breath I smell the scent of your warm skin. You are close.

You touch my hand. Gently you take it in yours, unfold my fingers. Lift it slowly. I don't dare open my eyes. Afraid of your gaze. You hold my hand in your warm, gentle fingers. Pull it towards you. A ruslte of fabric again. You turn up my palm, lift it.

It meets something warm, soft. My thoughts stop. You let go of my fingers. I hold something warm, soft, heavy in my hand. Something slips over my arm. I open my eyes and look down. See your t-shirt fall over my arm. See your breast in my hand under the fabric.

I stare. I'm still, try to understand. Your naked breast lies in my hand. I hold your breast. In my hand.

I look up through tears and confusion. Ask without words. Hold your breast in my hand.

"Just this once," you say gently, as if to a child. "Just..." You hesitate, then shrug. Your breast skakes in my hand. You smile wider and pull up your t-shirt.

You have removed your bra. I see your breasts. They are beautiful. I hold one of them in my hand. The nipple is erect. In my hand.

Gently, slowly, I move my hand. Caress you carefully, feel the roundness, the weight. The bumpy areola, the peaking nipple. Your breast. In my hand.

I stand still and look. See your breasts. Just so. The lump is still in my throat, but the throbbing in my trousers has gone away. This isn't sex. This is just...

Hesitantly. I let my fingers slide over the nipple. You look at me, anxiously.

I swallow again and the lump goes away. Take a deep breath and you you into the eyes.

"It's just a breast," I murmur. "It's just you."

   [-WA-]   [- -]   


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