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From all to nothing

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I clear my throat. "Wow."

You laugh and raise your eyebrows. "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

You smile and release my back. I get the hint. Not because I want to, but because you want me to, I release you and take a step backwards.


I'm confused. That kiss was... I don't know. Intoxication and accumulated longning, surprise and delight, yeah, but I can't remember a better kiss. I am painfully aware of how much I want you. Now. Feel you, taste and caress your hills and valleys...

And you... if you feel the same you are a better actress than I think, and I know you're good. No, I told the truth. It was better for me than for you. So why? What did it mean to you?

Your eyes reveal nothing apart from amusement. I sigh inwardly, follow your example with platitudes, cliches. You know it was better for me, you can't miss that. And you pretend you don't. So...

"I don't know about you," I say and return to my chair, "but I always want a cigarette afterwards."

I light one and offer the pack to you with raised eyebrows. You stand there - where I kissed you! - and look at me for a while. You come and take the cigarettes with one hand. With the other, you stroke my hair.

"In case you're wondering," you say slowly, "that was something between the things that don't matter and the things I'd want you to do."

You sit down, light a cigarette and look out over the lake while I think about your words. I am grateful you told me, that I won't have to wonder in silence, or ask. But it's not very precise, is it?"

As if you could read my mind you say : "But I'm not saying where, exactly." You flash me a quick smile. "Not right now, at least."

Later, much later, I lie awake on the couch waiting for the room to stop spinning around. My thoughts are spinning too, around you, your body, and your soul. They spin around two very different things - what is, and what could have been.

If I listen closely, I can hear your slow breaths from the bedroom, and in the end that's what lulls me into sleep



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