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From all to nothing

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Say what, exactly? Well, there's the rub. Things have happened too fast. I have always wanted to touch you, taste you, lie with you, play with you. Fuck you.

And I've always kept a lid on that. Before, when circumstances didn't allow it, I told you, just so you'd know, but it has never affected our relationship. Probably because it's always been something we both have known without acting on it.

I realise I know what to say. it's simple, really.

"Right now, no." I smile. "I might regret it later, but now I'm perfactly happy with what you've done so far. I don't think I could take any more right now."

"Are you sure?"

I roll my eyes. "Of course I'm not sure! And I have no idea if you'll ever repeat the question, and I want to..." I gesture vaguely towards you "...explore, smell, touch, taste... You know."

I retrieve the bottle again. Drink. Buy some time.

"But, you know, I've managed without it all these years, so I reckon I can wait a while longer. Or forever. That's not as important as what I have, and I'm afraid to complicate things."

There. I've said it. And I'm already regretting it. Regretting being a coward, regretting not taking the chance when you offered me... But then, you didn't. You might not have wanted to give me all I want. You've never even hinted at it before. And I like what I have too much to try to go looking for limits and risking going too far.

You nod. "Okay." Pick up your clothes. Dress. Not hurriedly, not provocatively. Just put your clothes on.

"Can I have a cigarette?"

I nod, and as you pick up the wine bottle and return to the balcony, I follow you. Trying to ignore the swelling in my trousers.

Later, much later, I lie awake on the couch waiting for the room to stop spinning around. My thoughts are spinning too, around you, your body, and your soul. They spin around two very different things - what is, and what could have been.

If I listen closely, I can hear your slow breaths from the bedroom, and in the end that's what lulls me into sleep



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